Jason Gortician (jason_gortician) wrote,
Jason Gortician
jason_gortician

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Doomed

He was doomed.

He couldn't have her and he couldn't leave her. The whole episode had pushed him over the edge. He lashed out angrily at the world, alienating himself further.

Eventually, he reached a kind of middle ground. Not acceptance, he would never accept things as they were, but he tried to look at things in a positive manner.

Circumstances, he told himself. She can't. She's married. He was married.

He was quite sure her husband had cheated on her already, and would do so again. Poor, silly loyal girl, he thought. What a sad world, where something so good could feel so bad.

She was both the problem and the solution. He tried to focus on everything she had given him in spite of the circumstances. It really was a lot.

His own wife had told him that he constantly expected more and more from people, and when they couldn't give anymore, he reacted badly. Very badly.

Luckily, he focused most of his (anger?) back at himself. But he had behaved horribly toward her at one point, and had agonized over it ever since. Was this his fate? To hurt the people he loved the most? He wanted to change.

He's done more than hurt his wife. He'd killed her. The fact that these two women still accepted him somewhat in spite of his monstrous behavior should have proven to him once and for all that they did care for him and love him.

Was he really so insecure as to need constant reassurance? He was.

He knew it wasn't fair to keep asking her for help. It was also dangerous. He tried to keep his requests small, and to ask (beg) only when absolutely necessary.

Sometimes, and it came more often now, more intensely, he desperately wanted to beg her to come inside and hold him for a few minutes. To not pull away from him first. To tell him she loved him.

But he was too afraid.
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